I haven’t been able to post as much as I’d like to this semester, especially since I’m still getting this thing off the ground & figuring out exactly what it is I want to say. Anyways, here’s a (not-so) quick summary of what’s been on my mind —
(excerpted from my CHAARG Instagram, @the.fitnurse)
“A year ago I joined CHAARG + began my wellness journey. At the time, focusing on my health became an outlet for all the other aspects in my life I could not control — I was drowning in schoolwork + clinical hours + began having panic attacks // generalized anxiety as a result. My friends, this online community, half-marathon training + long runs on the weekends helped keep me grounded. As my involvement with CHAARG grew [writing for the blog + becoming VP Media of my chapter] I found myself identifying more + more with this picture of *wellness* I’d created for myself.
“Fast-forward to today — I’ve been on medication for my anxiety for almost a year now, the panic attacks have stopped completely, + as a senior in college with an almost-guaranteed job + nursing career full of different opportunities ahead, I *should* feel excited. Right? Instead, I’ve found myself progressively feeling more and more lost. After breaking my foot early in the semester, I stopped running, lost the daily endorphin-kick I needed, + started to dislike the body I saw in the mirror. I noticed that I was sleeping more than usual [10-12 hrs EVERY night] + barely able to sit through one class without losing concentration. As someone who used to wake up at 6AM every day to workout or get assignments done, this shift in habits didn’t sit right with me. Over the past month I’ve found it difficult to get out of bed each day or to accomplish even the simplest tasks on my never-ending to do list. I WANT to feel good + enjoy the things I used to but I feel this weight holding me back from even getting started. I have no motivation or energy left. I feel helpless + I’m not happy… but, today I finally asked for help.
“As you could probably guess, all of my symptoms have culminated in a major depressive episode. This post is the first step on the first day that I am trying to get better + be better for myself. It might take changes in medication, more therapy, or simply forcing myself to run again, get up each day + do the things I have to do in order to get mentally well. If you’ve made it this far + you’re still reading I hope that you’ll be patient with me as I try to share content that feels more authentic to where I’m at in THIS journey — I challenge you to also go beyond the idea of *wellness* you’ve curated + to recognize that sometimes we need to ground ourselves again before we can become our best selves.”
I’m (selfishly) hoping that by sharing this with you, it will bring me some of the relief I’ve been needing. When it comes to certain aspects of my life — embarrassing stories, funny memories, lengthy opinions on Netflix shows & indie rock bands — I’m an open book. But other things harder to talk about. I have to be honest with myself if I want to get & feel better — & that starts by being honest with you, too.
Still getting there.